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Paris Hilton Poisoned with Radioactive Cock

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reported yesterday that a "moderate quantity" of alpha radiation from the substance Polonium-210 was detected in Paris Hilton's urine, leading officials to conclude that the intellectually challenged diva has been the target of an attempted murder plot.

Hilton, who was admitted to Cedars-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles after succumbing to a mystery illness Saturday afternoon, was likely exposed when she sucked a cock carrying the radioactive isotope early that morning after a night spent partying.

The evolution of the "smoking cock" theory came when no traces of polonium, which must be ingested or inhaled to inflict harm, were discovered on the premises of the Avalon club in Hollywood where Hilton and fellow drunk slut Lindsay Lohan inebriated themselves that evening, and after it was conveyed that, with the exception of the alcohol, Ms. Hilton hadn't consumed anything other than semen in the previous 24 hour period.

Despite these revelations, the difficulty of pinning down the culprit or even the scene of the crime remained elusive, as FBI spokesman Sam Von Till described: "It turns out Ms. Hilton sucked upwards of seven cocks that night in at least five different locations around the city, and her level of intoxication impaired her ability to recall many details."

Most recently, a break in the case came when it was discovered that Ms. Hilton had actually imbibed some fast food condiments Saturday morning after several packets of "Del Scorcho" hot sauce were found in the pop icon's handbag and Polonium-210 was identified on and around a dumpster behind a Del Taco restaurant within two blocks of the Avalon.

The FBI is currently reviewing possible motives and suspects in the crime.

"Judging from Ms. Hilton's sexual proclivities and fractured memory of the evening, we are looking for a Caucasian, African American, Asian or Hispanic male between the ages of eighteen and sixty-five weighing anywhere from one hundred to four hundred pounds, possibly contracted by a young woman seeking revenge against Ms. Hilton for sucking her boyfriend or husband's cock," Von Till announced, adding, "Which means we're likely facing a long, arduous investigation as Ms. Hilton has sucked a whole lot of cocks."

Meanwhile, a wrathful Paris Hilton has used her Blackberry to write a scathing rebuke of her attacker during her convalescence, which doctors note has progressed miraculously, likely in large part to the near immunity her organs have developed against toxic chemicals resulting from her dietary and recreational habits.

"You might have made me sick, but at least I'm not as sick as your face. You're probably just jealous because you're like totally fat and ugly and your man felt like being with someone hot who isn't a complete pig for a change. Better luck next time skank."

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