Jim Cramer Replaced With Mentally Challenged Man on “Mad Money”
Noted loudmouth Wall Street analyst Jim Cramer relinquished hosting duties of his CNBC show “Mad Money” to Randy “The Retard” Eckersley today after losing a contest that pit his stock picks against those of the mentally challenged 44 year-old Philadelphia man and a chicken.
The contest, originally conceived by Cramer to confute the argument of a caller who claimed that the practice of picking publicly owned companies to invest in is little more than a crapshoot within the context of the manmade abstraction that defines the stock market, tracked the performance of portfolios composed by Cramer, Eckersley, and a chicken pecking random stock ticker symbols scattered on the ground with its beak over a six month span.
Eckersley's assumption of the Mad Money reins this afternoon constitutes the fiery icon nobly holding up his end of the bargain after his portfolio lost 1.4% of its value over the period comprising the challenge while Jibowski’s lost 0.8% and the chicken’s gained 2.1% over the first four months before it died, earning Eckersley the job in accordance with the stipulations of the contest.
“What can I say? Fast food companies outpaced an otherwise flat market over the last six months, and he had all of them,” remarked Cramer.
Eckersley retained his penchant for fast food stocks during his debut.
“I like McDonalds!” he declared in response to a question regarding the potential impact of last week’s federal interest rate cut on the technology sector, then, when asked why he likes it, elaborated, “The cheeseburgers and butterscotch sundaes.”
Careening between a demeanor that resembled his predecessor’s proclivity for high volume outbursts and that of a pouty, reticent child towards the end of the 60 minute show he deemed ‘too long and boring’, Eckersley also endorsed Pizza Hut, tractors, bowling, Chuck Norris, fire trucks, Full House and Christmas, none of which are actual stocks.
Though he didn't mention any real stocks or mutual funds he would recommend investors sell, Eckersley did indicate that he doesn't like making his bed or black people, a faux pas the as yet undetermined ramifications of which show producers say is hard to predict in view of Eckersley's mental handicap.