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Man Shows Ex-Girlfriend By Castrating Himself
Aurora, CO - A man embittered over his girlfriend's refusal to rekindle their two year relationship exacted revenge on the woman by castrating himself Friday.
26 year-old Jesse Fisher, disgruntled over the unwillingness of his ex to reunite with him after he broke up with her two months ago, really showed Heather Roberts, 25, by mailing her his genitals after severing them from his body with a box cutter.
"Heather was the only girl for me, but she turned me away. She nullified my manhood by blindly rejecting the divine providence that had ordained us soul partners, so I decided to let her keep it. 'Please accept this keepsake as a trophy of your bitchery. I no longer have any use for it', I wrote on the card with my own blood before cauterizing my wounded crotch on a hot plate," Fisher said.
Reportedly, Fisher's savage act of sour grapes affected the devastating impact he was aiming for as the sight of his penis in a box has pushed his ex-lover to the edge of madness with grief and self loathing.
"Only in this late hour have I realized the error of my ways," sobbed an inconsolable Roberts from her home, where she is currently under suicide watch by several concerned family members and friends, "How could I make my shmoopie bear do such a thing? What kind of monster am I?"
Indeed, despite the problems that Roberts cited numerous times in her argument for not getting back together during the weeks prior, including Fisher's infidelity, quick temper, alcoholism and chronic unemployment, she recants it all now, and has begun begging her eunuch ex-boyfriend for a second chance.
"I would do anything. I would hack off a foot, or a breast, my own even, if he would only take me back!" Roberts wailed.
Sadly for her however, Fisher says he no longer has any interest in reuniting.
"Sorry baby, you had your chance," he said smugly, "It's too little, too late. Besides, I've lost interest in girls since I chopped my dick off. I've got a Play Station 3 now."
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