Highly (Un)Useful Job Interview Tips

• Your appearance is key to establishing a good first impression, so leave the old jeans and dirty t-shirt at home. Your jeans and t-shirt should be fresh and new

• A good firm handshake is essential. A limp handshake implies weakness, while breaking the interviewers hand will probably not earn you any points. Also, tickling the interviewer’s palm with your fingers is never appropriate, even if you suspect that he is a homosexual

• Be ready to provide examples of your experience if forced: If the interviewer asks if you have a certain kind of experience that you do possess, respond in the affirmative. If they follow by requesting some examples, try to ascertain whether they think you were lying and why. If they say they trust you but are just curious, provide the example(s), otherwise request to know what their fucking problem is and inquire as to whether they want to have it out

• "What if I don’t possess the experience they ask of me?" In such a case try to change the subject. Compliment the appearance of their spouse and/or kids (if they have a family portrait nearby), ask what time it is, inquire as to whether their company is in compliance with all applicable fire safety codes, comment on the weather, the local sports team, etc. If they keep at it, lie and say you do have that experience, and if they still don’t let up tell them to just drop it

• Interviewers will commonly ask you directly why they should hire you, so it is essential to have a prepared answer tailored for the position you are seeking at the ready. For instance, if you’re interviewing for a job at McDonalds a good answer might be: “Because I hate myself and don’t blame the system, so I’d never steal, and if I should someday find the guts to kill myself I would provide two weeks notice.”

• Don’t try to deceive the interviewer when they ask what your biggest weakness is, especially when your weakness is blatantly obvious. For instance, don’t say your biggest weakness is that you work too hard if you’re a very fat person. Be honest and tell them it is cake and pie

• Always maintain eye contact with your interviewer and try to blink as little as possible

• Everybody farts, but if this particular call of nature occurs during the interview, resist giving in to it at all costs unless the interviewer gives you the standard kiss-off: "We will be reviewing all of the candidates and will get back to you," at which point you might as well let her rip before telling him what you had for lunch on your way out

• Parroting, or repeating, the interviewer’s last question is not only a good idea to make sure you understand it correctly, but will allow you a little extra time to think of a quality answer. If after repeating it a dozen times you still haven’t come up with anything good, tell them you don’t know and request that they move along

• Do your homework! Get to know as much as possible about the company you’re interviewing with. For instance, if you’re applying for a job at Wal-Mart you could impress the interviewer by mentioning that you’re thankful for the fact that their exploitation of international slave labor and union busting has permitted them to grow to the point of at least possibly considering to offer you a low paying job working unpaid overtime without benefits or any real possibility for significant promotion

• Follow up on your interview: calling the day after your interview to ask if you got the job is a good way to show interest, but likely won’t distinguish yourself from other applicants doing the same. Demonstrate your unparalleled interest in the position by returning to the company in person, or even better, find out where the interviewer lives and pay them a visit at home with candy and flowers in hand to inquire upon the status of the position