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Jon and Kate's Sextuplets Suicide Within 3 Minutes Of Each Other

Reality stars Jon and Kate Gosselins' sextuplets, who entered this world within three minutes of each other in 2004, each left it by their own hand over the same span of time yesterday evening, local authorities report.

To those who know the couple, whether personally or through the ceaseless inundation of media coverage that details every sordid event of the family's day to day existences, the sudden, self-inflicted deaths that have left Jon and Kate minus 6 surprised few.  

"I suppose I didn't expect it so soon, but they were smart, precocious children. It was only a matter of time before they figured out what a pair of giant douche bags they had for parents and developed a since of shame," remarked Harvard child psychiatrist Dr. Jessica Bloom.

According to the tragic event's lone witness, the sextuplets' older sister Cara, the six children began killing themselves shortly after filming wrapped for the day Wednesday and their mother drank a bottle of white wine and fell asleep on the couch.

"Aaden put his stuffed Tigger down his mouth and stopped breathing. Then Hannah told me she was going out the window and jumped out the window, and Joel cut his wrist open with scissors while Aaden kept staring at with these empty eyes," Cara recounted.

"Then Alexis took her radio to the tub and started to run the water, Leah followed Hannah out the window and Collin shot himself in the face with daddy's gun. Then Aaden's eyes finally closed and he stopped staring at me."  

Dr. Bloom posits that Cara's subconscious prevented her from intervening in her siblings' suicides because it was aware that what they were doing was for the best, and was happy for them.

Meanwhile, 'Jon and Kate' producers say that the sextuplet suicides will not spell the end of the show, whose sixth season is currently filming.

Remarked TLC spokeswoman Naomi Reid: "If there is a bright side to this terrible incident, its the incredible opportunity it offers to depict how a family met with such a tragedy manages their grief and soldiers on."

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