Ask Dr. Schlitz

Dr. Schlitz is a marketing icon created by the Pabst Blue Ribbon Brewing Company to raise the profile of Schlitz beer. His advice is intended for novelty purposes only, unless you feel like taking it seriously.

Dear Dr. Schlitz,

My wife is what you'd call a real ball buster. The second I drag my ass through the door every night she starts in. 'The toilet's leaking again' this, 'what should I make for dinner' that, 'this paper needs your signature', 'that movie I was telling you about is on cable tonight'. Nag, nag, nag. It really tires me out, only I'm already too beat from work when I get home to give her what for, and despite what you see on TV, drinking beer only seems to take the last bit of wind from my sails. What can I do?

Punchless in Peoria

Dear Punchless,

Two words: Schlitz Red Bull. Seriously bro. I've totally taken the invigorating power of Red Bull and like, fused it or something with the violence promoting potential of Schlitz and called it... something or other. I forget. Anyway, this stuff will not only fuck you up, but it'll keep you punching all night long. Oh yeah, it's called Schlitz Red Bull. Pick up yourself up a case. It costs a bit more than regular Schlitz, but that should be a small price to pay to be restored upon your rightful throne as king of the castle, and shit.

Dear Dr. Schlitz,

I was walking through a grocery store parking lot on a hot afternoon last week when I heard the saddest whimpering sounds coming from the inside of a car. Upon closer inspection I discovered the plaintive noises were coming from the most darling little french poodle that was left in the back seat of a luxury sedan with the windows barely cracked open. Feeling sorry for the trapped animal, I went to try to open one of the doors when its owner, a middle-aged woman in an expensive looking pantsuit, returned and yelled at me to mind my own 'bleeping' business. I was absolutely flabbergasted. What do you think?

Hot and bothered in Michigan

Dear HBIM,

What do I think? Thinking is for damn cowards, and HBIM, you're a coward for every season from Spring to back to fucking Spring again. I mean, what the F@$# were you thinking? Dogs are man's best friend, and you just left it to fend alone for itself and shit? You make me fucking sick. Friends have to stick together bro, because if you don't who's gonna stick up for you? Huh? BAAAH!!

Luckily I've patented my own elixir that's just for wimps like you. Simply drink three 40 ounce bottles of Schlitz Malt Liquor every day, and the next time Hillary Clinton calls you a bitch you'll have the courage to bash her Lexus's windows in with a crowbar for her, grab that poodle by its neck and beat the living botox out of her face with her own yapping mutt.

And P.S. - what kind of name is HBIM, anyway? Lame.

Dear Dr. Schlitz,

Last month you advised me to drink a six-pack of Schlitz beer to ease the anguish I've been feeling over a recent court decision that gave full custody of my two sons to my estranged wife, but it didn't seem to work. After the fourth beer my stomach really started to hurt, and I never even got a buzz. Am I missing something?

Doubled-over in Cincinnatti

Dear Doubled-over,

WAAH! My wife took my kids and my tummy hurts. Boo-hoo. Fuck yeah, you're missing something. A pair of nuts. Christ man, with all your belly-aching, it's no wonder the judge ruled against you. The last thing this country needs is two more kids to grow up into big, whiny pussies like you.