Companies Look to Cut Costs by Training Monkeys, Bears to Replace Human Workers

In the interest of reducing costs and maximizing profit margins, many corporations are looking to non-human sources of labor. In particular, bears and several species of primates are being pegged as candidates to fill a range of future jobs, enabling their employers to liberate themselves from the expensive wages they're presently bound to pay their human counterparts.

Several American companies have already begun the process of 'dehumanizing' their work forces by delegating current employees to train the animals hired to replace them. Boeing, Microsoft and General Motors have all announced plans to transition to janitorial staffs comprised entirely of monkeys and bears by 2008 while the payrolls of Wal-Mart and several fast food chains including McDonalds and Taco Bell have already been trimmed by 4% as chimpanzees and gorillas begin to replace human workers.

Pedro Rodriguez, who worked as a janitor in a Boeing regional office for eight years before being laid off this April described his experience training his successor: "The bear worked very bad. The bear was lazy or made very big mess breaking things. One time the bear break the mop and scratching my face. I played dead. Now I only sweep floors at home for no money and am very sad."

In addition to those whose employment has been directly affected, many consumers are objecting to the impact the introduction of animals into the work force has had.

"Between not getting a raise in four years and inflation the only restaurants I can afford are fast food places and now they're full of fucking monkeys. This monkey at Taco Bell yesterday tried to short-change me four dollars and when I complained he spit in my nachos. Then, when I demanded to speak with the manager a gorilla came out and chased me around the restaurant, throwing beans while the rest of them laughed their asses off and imitated me trying to defend myself. Its an insult," complained one disgruntled man.

Despite many such kinks inherent to the process, corporate executives stress the urgency of a successful conversion to a partially non-human work force for the future viability of their businesses.

Commented Hubert Wesley, spokesman for General Motors: "As much as we'd like to cater to the whims of our consumers to continue the practice of species discrimination amongst our hires, the pressures of the marketplace combined with the infeasibility of outsourcing certain positions or outmoding them through mechanical automation makes this transition imperative. There really is no other way. Really."