New Report Reveals Women Unfit to be President, Most Other Things

A new report shows that women aren't fit to be president, or a lot of other things.

The study cited the fairer gender's erratic hormones, lesser intelligence and delicate sensibilities, among other things, for their not being qualified to hold the nation's highest office, as well as many other positions.

"Female hormones render women susceptible to periodic episodes of extremely irrational behavior, making it much more likely that a lady president would nuke some poor country for no other reason than it forgot to use a coaster on her precious coffee table, for example," study lead Benjamin Zucker remarked.

Zucker went on to list more positions women are unfit to fill.

"Surgeons, dentists, x-ray technicians, architects, urban planners, judges, attorneys, scientists, nurses, teachers, military, police officers, really any job where you carry a gun, psychologists, engineers, actuaries, speech therapists, surveyors, pipe fitters, housewives, mothers, interpreters, and especially air traffic controllers. A woman air traffic controller would likely intentionally crash two planes into each other if one of the pilots so much as forgot to compliment her new haircut."

Zucker also said that a woman should never be behind the wheel of a taxi cab, because they don't know how to drive.

"It would be chaos. Everyone would be late as their driver would be constantly getting lost and needing to stop to use the potty, and if four lady cabbies ever got to an intersection at the same time, traffic would back up for miles as they tried to figure out who had the right of way."

Zucker indicated his findings revealed that women are only actually fit for one specific job.

"Flower shop owner," he said.