Tennessee Law to Force Women Seeking Abortion to Spend Night in Haunted House

Tennessee Governor Bill Haslem signed a bill today that will force any woman seeking an abortion in the Volunteer State to first spend a night in a haunted house.

The Finney House, located just outside of Knoxville, is said to be inhabited by the tormented spirits of school teacher Abigail Finney and her unborn fetus, a child Finney aborted by her own hand after being raped by a Union soldier in 1863.

"You can hear Abbie's plaintive, tortured wails late at night around the time she took her child's life," said Governor Haslem's sister Judy, who runs the Finnie House as a bed and breakfast, "And the baby's rattle can be heard shaking – shake, shake, shake – up and down the stairs."

Some who've stayed in the house have reported other disquieting phenomenon, including waking to find their coat hangers bent out of shape.

"It was weird. I had no way to hang my clothes after that," said one Finney House lodger.

The controversial new law has drawn fire from pro-choice advocates, who call it burdensome and preposterous.

"It's really just stupid," remarked one opponent, "I mean, who's ever heard of a fetus shaking a rattle or walking up and down stairs?"