Elementary Schoolers Fail Simulated School Shooting Drill Miserably

Murfreesboro, Tennessee - Just one week after staff members of Scales Elementary School staged a gun attack on seventy sixth graders during a weeklong trip to a local state park, the entire student body was subjected to a similar, albeit more intense, test yesterday morning, only to fail even more miserably than before, reported Assistant Principal Dan Bartch.

The latest drill at Scales Elementary began when all the lights on campus went out at nine o'clock Wednesday and Bartch announced on the intercom that gunmen had entered the building. What followed was thirty minutes of bedlam as administrators and other staff dressed in trenchcoats and ski masks methodically made their way through the school, splattering the hysterical children with red paint from automatic paintball rifles.

"Being prepared for such a crisis in this day and age is easily as important as knowing what to do in the case of a fire or other, more traditional crisis," stated school Principal Butch Henry, "And unfortunately, what transpired here today demonstrates that the children are far, far from being ready to face a real school shooter."

According to children not too traumatized to compose coherent sentences, the experience was extremely terrifying.

"Kids were screaming and crying. We all thought we were going to die. I didn't, but some of the other kids in class wet their pants," recounted Michael Alexander, 9.

Unacceptable, says Henry.

"Not a single one of our volunteer shooters was rushed by a group of valiant youngsters; in fact, not one single act of bravery or even self preservation was attempted throughout campus. They all just cowered under their desks waiting to be butchered like hogs."

Despite Henry's assertion that such a "shockingly poor" performance calls for many more such drills, most of the children's parents disagree.

"These people are all lunatics," remarked Susan Martin, a mother of a third grader at Scales planning to sue the school district for the mental anguish and painful welts he suffered in Wednesdays mock attack, "I used to think it added to the quaintness of the area, but now I think it's time my family move to a town where everyone isn't so stupid."