Donald Rumsfeld Torturing Wife at Family Home

With little to occupy his time since being forced to resign his position as Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld's constant, brooding presence in his St. Michael's, Maryland residence has been torture on his spouse of 52 years.

"I love my Donald and I know he's going through a bit of an adjustment, but I've gotten used to the way things usually are around here, and he's driving me whacko," reports Joyce Rumsfeld, "He lies in bed like a lump until at least ten every morning, preventing me from making the sheets according to my schedule, and when he does finally plotz down the stairs, he dirties up my freshly cleaned kitchen with his toast crumbs and marmalade so I either have to wipe the counters twice or live with a dirty kitchen for three hours while he's upstairs unconscious."

According to Mrs. Rumsfeld, the sanctity of her daily routine hasn't been the only thing violated as she claims to have also suffered mental and physical hardships from her husband's careening emotional state since returning home full time from Washington.

"One day he'll make be batty by spending the entire afternoon staring at the same page of Sun-Tzu's "The Art of War" that someone gave him for Christmas, and the next he'll be stinking up the entire house trying to perfect his so-called soon to be patented cabbage meatball soup recipe. I had to send him out to the garage with the Coleman stove that day - only when I went out a couple of hours later to check on him his pot was full of a boiling mush and he was long gone."

Added a teary-eyed Mrs. Rumsfeld, "I tried to talk to him about it when he came home, but he told me to, 'Go fly a kite'."

Similar to his own assertions regarding the systematic torture of hundreds of suspected insurgents captured in the Iraq War he presided over, Mrs. Rumsfeld claims she believes her husband isn't aware of the tormenting effect his behavior is having on her.

"My Donny would never hurt anybody on purpose, least of whom me," she says, "It's just his way. He keeps things bottled up, and this is the way it comes out. Still, I don't know if I can take this much longer. He's turning my happy home into Abu Ghraib."