Pope Francis Urges Congress to Kill Themselves

Pope Francis addressed a joint session of Congress yesterday, calling on each of its members to commit suicide.

"Never before have I stood before such an assembly of clowns," the Pope, taking the lectern after frowning over an introduction by House Speaker John Boehner, spoke in a soft, papal voice. "Your cynicism and incompetence, your greed, is truly shameful. You make me sick."

Pope Francis, slowly shaking his head, his chin trembling, then petitioned every Senator and Representative to take his or her own life.

"Every life is sacred," he said gently. "Except yours. You are scum, and I urge you all to kill yourselves. Please kill yourselves."

Sighing deeply, the Pope paused briefly to dab his forehead before going on.

"When you leave this chamber today, please go and jump off a bridge. Or walk in front of a train," he implored. "Shoot yourself in the head. Drink a bottle of poison. Anything. For the love of God and the sake of humanity, I beseech you."

Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, who was caught on camera nodding off during the address, praised the Pope's speech.

"It was good," Inhofe remarked. "Good speech."