Communist Candidate Bernie Sanders Calls for Ban on Thanksgiving

Communist candidate for president Bernie Sanders called for a ban on Thanksgiving today, disparaging one of America's most solemn and cherished of traditions.

Sanders, who doesn't wipe after moving his bowels, reportedly called the holiday, 'stupid'.

"If people want to be thankful, they should give all their money to lazy people so they don't have to work," Sanders remarked nonsensically.

Sanders, who once called Benjamin Franklin a 'fat idiot', reportedly went on to say Americans are 'slobs' and that war veterans deserve their injuries.

"As far as Thanksgiving is concerned, I'd be in favor of it if instead of people eating turkey they ate tacos and called it Dia de Gracias," Sanders smirked, blowing his nose in an American flag.

When asked what he would do first if he were elected president, Sanders, who doesn't believe in God and despises all that America stands for, declared that he would move the nation's capital to San Francisco.

"Gays are far better than straight people," he said.

*This message sponsored by everyone running for president who isn't Bernie Sanders