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Seventy-Two Virgin Gay Boys
In Heaven, Here I Come!
Today, I'm the happiest homosexual in Baghdad. I just had a little chit and a bit of a chat with none other than Ghaith Al-Tamimi, and you won't believe what that crazy fucker said! I can hardly believe it myself, it's so crazy. Seriously, when I tell you, you'll like, totally flip out and shit. I know I almost did (but thank Allah I didn't since I was wearing roller blades at the time ;).
So anyway, I was just like, blading through Sadr City near the Talsum Gate minding my own, when who do I see outside the al-Hikma mosque but Al-Tamimi, and so (this is TOTALLY NUTS, I know ;) I screeched to a halt, and before I knew it had turned PopoZao down on my ghetto blaster and asked him straight out (hypothetically of course ;) if a suicide bomber happened to prefer men over women sexually, would he be greeted by seventy-two virgin gay boys in heaven, and guess what? He looked me up and down and said, 'Sure, why not'. Holy shit, I almost peed my spandex!
Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the Sunni, or even the Americans. Honestly, I don't even get what all this stupid fighting is about - although sometimes I like to put on this little tiara and pretend I'm a kidnapped princess who all those big sweaty men are fighting over outside, sitting in my little cell waiting for some handsome Texas stud to burst through the door and carry me in his muscular arms into the back of his Humvee where I, giddy with gratitude, would suck the cream out of his cowboy cock while humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic, but I know it's really just about oil or some shit...
Anyhoo, I seemed to have gotten carried away there. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was saying how I don't really give a flying fig about this silly war (why they don't just have a big karaoke contest, winner-take-all is beyond me), but if there'll be seventy-two little virgin gay boys up in heaven waiting in line to blow yours truly after I blow myself all over some fish stand or bus stop or whatnot, then so be it, because I'm telling you as a gay man in Iraq, I need that dick bad.
So please, before you judge me too harshly as I sit here shoving C4 explosive up my ass, take into consideration the oppression and misery I've had to endure as a homosexual man living in an intolerant Islamic nation. I've had a few close calls, and let me tell you, it's not a place you want to come out of the closet into.
Praise Allah, I'm so exited, I'm ready to burst (literally - into a million iddy-biddy pieces!)!!!! I even know exactly what I'm going to wear - this little Iraqi sailor suit I sewed but have never dared wear outdoors. It's a bit tight (which is why I'm putting the explosives up my butt, BTW ;), but I can't wait. It's gonna be great. Maybe I'll even yell, "Hey everybody, I'm GAY!" just before I pull the trigger. Or, on second thought, maybe not, just in case the crap doesn't go off. That'd be kind of bad.
Anyway, look out all you gay boys up in heaven - you're not going to be virgins for long! Praise Allah!
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