Debate Corner - Evolution or Evilution?

"I Aint No Monkey" 
By: Travis Rhodes 

Look at me.  Do I look like a fuckin’ monkey to you?  Do I live in a fuckin’ tree, eat bananas and swing from vines to get from here to yonder?  I don’t think so.  I live in a fuckin’ trailer like a normal person and I don’t cotton to no fuckin’ bananers! Were my ancestors monkeys?  No, they were from Europe somewheres and last time I checked there weren’t no damned monkeys in Europe.  My grandpa was a coal miner like his daddy before him, and I assume my daddy wasn’t no monkey or else I’d look like a damn monkey, which I don’t!  I work at the Walgreens operating high-tech gizmos like computerized cash registers and bar code readers and such that no monkey could ever figure out in a million years.  You ever see a monkey working at Walgreens or as a coal miner?  Well, maybe on the TV or in movies, but that’s all Hollywood hogwash and clever camera tricks.  In conclusion, I believe that if evolution were for real there’d be a bunch of half men – half monkeys running around and there aint so therefore it’s a bunch of horseshit.                                                                                                                                              

"A Critical Analysis of the Anthropocentric Undertones of the Word ‘Evolution’ as Used by Humans to Describe Their Own Manifestation"
By: Koko the Chimp

I strongly object to the positive connotation attached to the term ‘evolve’ as it is applied to the gradual transformation over time of a species of primate proximal to my own into modern Homo sapiens by those very Homo sapiens themselves.  The implication that such a change represents an improvement is an arbitrary one, yet the etymological value ascribed to the term, which is readily apparent by the way it is used in juxtaposition to its antonym ‘devolve’, has been unquestioningly espoused by the very beings who invented spoken and written language in the first place.  How convenient.  You’d think these people had never heard of another term they made up to describe this very type of thing: ‘conflict of interest’.  Why doesn’t Madonna just start reviewing her own albums in Rolling Stone, or the White House begin writing its own news?  And what of this insinuation that humans are so magnificent and far superior to monkeys or chimpanzees in the first place?  Sure, I might not live in a fancy mobile home and eat greasy cheeseburgers for lunch, but you know what else I don’t do?  I don’t spend over half of my waking day at some crummy job or in some crappy war staring at a computer screen or killing members of my own species to make some monkey higher on the vine fatter for the privilege of not starving or freezing to death myself.  No, I spend my day whacking off in a tree, and when I get hungry I reach over and grab a ‘fuckin bananer’.  THPPPPPT!