Allah is Pretty Good, I Guess
By: A Suicide Bomber Having Second Thoughts

Hey, how’s it going? Not so good here. You see this pack strapped to my waist? Yup, that’s plastic explosive. How much? I dunno, however much they gave me. I’m no demolition expert or anything, I’m just some guy who got suckered into blowing himself up for the cause or God or whatever.

You got the time? It’s probably my fault, but as an instrument of God it’s kind of hard to deliver his wrath on the infidel fruit market shoppers and hospital patients around town in a synchronized fashion without a wristwatch. Two minutes until nine? Crap, I better start getting myself ready. I haven’t even settled on what I’m going to scream when I run in there yet. God is great? Allah forever? I don’t know.

Actually, come to think of it, I’m not so sure how great Allah really is. Don’t get me wrong, he’s certainly better than average, but is he really great? Sure, he’s definitely pretty good, but is he as magnificent as all the other guys say? I mean come on, if this Allah character really was so spectacular would I be standing here in front of this medical clinic with my pants full of high explosives? I don’t think so. Would I live in a place where, if I’m not being starved, persecuted or otherwise screwed by my own country’s people I’m being bombed by another’s?

Seriously, the more I contemplate this whole thing the less worth it it seems. Why kill myself and a bunch of innocent people for a God that’s just so-so? Seems kind of stupid. Perhaps instead I could just run through that mud puddle on my way in and shout, “God is okay!” then run back out and leave it at that. Hmmm… no, that would be sort of embarrassing. Maybe I’ll just go order a bunch of falafels from that stand over there, mutter, “Allah isn’t bad” and walk away without paying. That’d show them.

What’s that? Its five past nine already? Oh, screw it. I’m going home. Heaven can have their seventy-two virgins or however many it was. That sounded like total bullshit anyway.