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28 Year-Old Baby Abandoned on Steps

Stoop TrashA 28 year-old baby dressed in nothing but a dirty t-shirt and a pair of mayonnaise stained sweatpants was discovered abandoned on the steps of a private residence in Meredith, New Hampshire yesterday morning, authorities report.

"I went outside to get the newspaper, and there he was, smoking a cigarette and reading my sports section," reported the home's owner Don Zebrowski.

According to Zebrowski, attached to the boy's clothing was a note that read: 'Please take good care of my child. Or don't. I couldn't care less'.

Despite being told by Zebrowski to get lost, the baby remained on the stoop for over an hour until it began to rain, at which time Zebrowski's wife Carol invited him inside, made him a meatball submarine sandwich and allowed him to watch cable television until the police arrived.

Sergeant Michael Patterson of the Meredith Police Department told reporters that the baby, later identified as high school graduate Chad Brecht of nearby Moltonborough, was in deplorable physical condition when he was taken into custody.

"Though none of the infant's outward symptoms appear to be immediately life threatening, his enormous girth indicates he is morbidly obese, a condition that can prove fatal if he doesn't reduce his consumption of fattening food and start getting some excercise," said Patterson.

"In addition, the boy seems to be suffering from a severe case of self-entitlement that is preventing him from seeking employment or assuming even the smallest shred of personal responsibility necessary to better himself into a person resembling anything other than a whining, loathsome object of justified contempt."

The baby's mother, who will reportedly not face criminal charges for child abandonment by virtue of her son's 339 months of age, confessed to recent feelings of being overwhelmed by 'the insufferable stench of body odor and failure' emanating from the bedroom in which Brecht has lived his entire life.

"At 8 pounds, 10 ounces, Chad was a big baby when he was born, and he's never changed. I'm just glad to finally be rid of him," Mrs. Brecht said .

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