Obama Introduces New “You’re Going to Learn Math and Science and You’re Going to Like it” Education Plan

Citing subpar test scores and the "pathetic" number of young Americans pursuing degrees in math and science, Barack Obama announced his plan to institute a nationwide public education program entitled "You're Going to Learn Math and Science and You're Going to Like it" should he be elected president.

"The children of this country have been getting clobbered in math and science by their Asian and European counterparts for some time now, and it's about enough to make me puke," Obama declared during a press conference in Pittsburgh this morning, "But when I'm president that will all change. You can count on that."

Scoffing at numbers that demonstrate the persistent unpopularity of both math and science amongst American students as "too bad", Obama promised that the days in which only one third of the nation's high schools make kids take algebra will be a thing of the past if he wins in November.

"Maintaining our status as a world super power is contingent upon keeping abreast of the competition in the high tech industry, and yet every year this country's computer and biotechnology companies are forced to import tens of thousands of foreign employees to fill open positions because our kids think they're all going to grow up to be movie stars or get paid millions of dollars to throw a ball to a grown man wearing a helmet on his head."

Added Obama: "When was the last time you went online and saw a want ad for someone to comparatively analyze Harry Potter and one of those ridiculous Lord of the Rings books? This country needs another million liberal arts and philosophy majors like it needs another major terrorist attack."

Later in the day, Obama's Communications Chief Robert Harstad clarified his boss's position on non-math and science subjects, indicating that he wasn't categorically dismissing their value.

"Barack believes it's nice that a lot of Americans like to write poems and draw pretty pictures," remarked Harstad, "But the fact is that blowing a bunch of money on art school isn't going to change the fact that nobody gives a shit."