|Home And Garden
|Farts And Giggles
Mandatory HPV Vaccinations Turning Young Girls into Zombie Whores
Evidence is quickly mounting that the widespread administration of the human papilloma virus (HPV) vaccine in Texas is responsible for an epidemic of involuntary sexual promiscuity amongst young girls throughout the state.
Mandated by an executive order signed by Texas Governor Rick Perry, the vaccinations are thought to retard higher level cognitive functioning while simultaneously eliminating the primal fear of dying from a STD, transforming its adolescent victims into mindless nymphomaniacs.
"With each injection, my 12 year-old daughter became more of a slut," said a father from Galveston, referring to the series of three injections that constitute the vaccine's innoculation regimen, "She used to be a good kid. She got good grades, went to church, played the piano. Now she spends all her time down at the docks, giving it away for free."
Officials point to the Lone Star State's below average test scores and higher than average teen-pregnancy rate to corroborate their theories regarding the forced injections. Houston-area housewife Carol Harkey points to her 15 year-old daughter Kaitlyn, who she had committed to a mental institution in 2009 after having intercourse with every man in their neighborhood.
Harkey described her once bright and outgoing daughter as a "zombie whore".
"Her life is now spent either in restraints to prevent her from raping the male staff or sedated, shuffling up and down the hospital hallways moaning, 'I want to suck your cock'."
Though advocates of the vaccine cite its ability to immunize against HPV strains that account for 90% of HPV-related cervical cancers, authorities such as presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann argue that the cost is just too steep.
"I hate cancer, I truly do, but Governor Perry's executive order to forcibly turn millions of sweet, innocent girls into mentally retarded sex maniacs is simply wrong," Bachmann said.
|Fed Spokesman Reports Economy Going All to Shit
|9 Year-Old Boy Outvoted 3-1 In Family Suicide Pact
|US Poetry Rate Soars to New High