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New Painkiller to Kill Jake Gyllenhall if Approved by FDA

A powerful new painkiller called Zohydro will kill Jake Gyllenhaal if approved by the FDA, experts say.

Packing 10 times the amount of the highly addictive drug hydrocodone as existing medications such as Vicodin, the pills will be found to have been responsible for the death of the popular actor after he is found dead in his New York City apartment, face down in a puddle of his own vomit.

Known for his roles in such films as "Zodiac", "Prisoners", and the cowboy romance "Brokeback Mountain", the 33 year-old Gyllenhaal denies he will overdose on the drug.

"I don't take drugs," he said.

Though a timed-release drug meant for the management of moderate to severe pain, Zohydro is not tamper-proof, critics say, which will allow Gyllenhall to crush the tablets for an immediate, intense high that, in combination with alcohol, stop the Oscar-nominated thespian's heart and loosen his bowels as he lies dying on his bathroom floor.

"It's so sad. I loved Jake Gyllenhaal," lamented one fan, "It's bullshit that we have to lose Donnie Darko for a bunch of clumsy old ladies who can't take a little pain."

Gyllenhaal will be survived by his father Stephen, his mother Naomi and his sister Maggie.

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