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News From The Future - Republican "Frankenstein" Candidate Attacks President Obama During Debate
Republican Presidential nominee and so-called ultimate politician Libber T. Freedom smashed much of the set, struck moderator Brian Williams in the head and nearly strangled President Obama to death when he went on a rampage during the first of three debates with his incumbent rival last night.
Mr. Freedom, an organic composite constructed from the tissue and organs of several renowned deceased Republican politicians, actors and sports heroes including the brain of Ronald Reagan, the face of Jeff Suppan and the testicles of John Wayne, became visibly flustered, then flew into a violent rage ending in his nearly fatal assault of Obama after a verbal fray on the topic of international commerce, during which Obama countered Freedom's assertion that "Free trade good!" with a lengthy discourse on the specious nature of the term and the inherent harms it continues to pose the average working American.
According to analysts who have studied the tape closely, Freedom's eruption appears to have culminated from a heightened state of frustration that had built throughout the program as Obama repeatedly took him to task for similarly laconic answers on topics such as abortion, which Mr. Freedom took less than five seconds of the ninety allotted to him to emphatically denounce as, "Bad! Bad! Bad!", and Venezuela's successful test of a nuclear weapon last week which, after giving an extremely brief but violently negative reaction to the element of fire in general, responded to Obama's request for an elaboration upon how he'd address the situation as Commander in Chief by shouting, "Me smash!" over and over while repeatedly pounding his podium with his fists.
"You could see it coming," commented Steven Jacobs of the Washington Post, "Between the growling, the teeth gnashing and the way the veins in his forehead and neck looked like they were about to explode every time Obama opened his mouth, it was pretty obvious he was going to lose it."
Added Jacobs: "And unfortunately for the GOP, he might have just lost them the election along with his temper."
Indeed, although Mr. Freedom's no-nonsense everyman image has resonated well with voters within traditional red state stongholds and the pivotal swing states alike, last night's meltdown is likely to prove costly, and the Democrats have already begun to make hay.
"Libber T. Freedom is nothing but an animal. He's a psycopathic monster that has no business being elected to the highest office in the land," remarked Democratic National Committee Chairman Jim Doyle, "The sum of his constituent parts might make for an impressive resume, but the American people need and deserve a President capable of formulating policies that are a bit more sophisticated and pragmatic than simply trying to strangle or smash every problem that comes down the pike."
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