CNN to Introduce First First-Person Mass Shooting Footage

CNN is not looking forward to introducing their first first-person mass shooter, the cable news network announced today.

Recorded by a helmet-mounted camera CNN will provide, the footage will offer viewers unprecedented coverage of the gruesome tragedy from the shooter's point of view as he stalks a school, shopping center or nursing home somewhere in America, ruthlessly gunning down his victims.

Commented CNN spokeswoman Carol Boyer: "I wish to stress that in no way does CNN endorse mass murder. However, if you are planning to commit such a reprehensible, senseless act, cameras will be available at all our regional offices free of charge."

Boyer went on to describe the material they will regrettably feature, hopefully not in the near future.

"We anticipate this exclusive footage will be extremely upsetting, as it will most likely depict innocent people having their heads blown off, getting shot in their stomachs, arms and legs, their blood and organs splattered over walls, floors or bus benches, fruitlessly trying to scoop their intestines back into their bodies while others scream in agony or beg for mercy only to be shot point blank in the face."

Asked in an online poll where they think the first first-person mass shooting might take place, a majority of respondents have answered "hopefully at CNN".