Man Seeking Larger Semen Load on Fourteen Prescription Pills, Verge of Death

Feeling as low as the volume of semen that used to emit from his penis during orgasm, Dennis Rutterman thought he'd been blessed when a simple web search revealed the existence of dozens of products promising a solution to his life's biggest problem, but just sixteen months later, the once healthy and well-off Rutterman is nearly bankrupt and dependent on over a dozen prescription medications to stay alive.

"Whenever I went to finish on my wife's face, her look of disappointment over the pitiful dribble trickling down her cheek filled me with shame," recounts Rutterman from his living room where, now unemployed, he spends most of his time watching television and trying to keep up with the complicated pharmaceutical regimen he follows every day to try to maintain his still flagging health.

Though his woes began with his daily consumption of the herbal ejaculate enhancer SemenMax he purchased online, Rutterman's focuses his scorn on the Food and Drug Administration and the pharmaceutical companies for the web of medications and their hidden side effects for his condition, which ballooned from an inflamed prostate attributable to his overuse of SemenMax, to a myriad of symptoms, including heart and liver disease.

"The load builders worked great, perhaps too great. I was soaking my wife like she was a black protestor in an Alabama race riot, and what's more, she said it tasted terrific. So I took more than I should have - little did I know I what I was getting into. The antipsychotic Zyprexa they prescribed to treat my withdrawal from the steroids they gave me for my prostate led to diabetes, and a prescription for Avandia, which after taking for a year gave me a heart attack, so they put me on beta blockers which, in combination with all the other pills I was on made me so nauseous that they put me on a Phenergan IV, which cost me my arm since the FDA didn't feel it necessary to force Wyeth Pharmaceuticals to mention that Phenergan can cause parts of your body to fall off if it gets into your arteries. Meanwhile, my immune system is depressed, and apparently, this new antibiotic Ketek they gave me for a respiratory infection fucked up my liver, which triggered a prescription for Sulfasalazine, and so it seems I'm destined to have to hand over my life savings to a bunch of corrupt drug dealers for the privilege of having them poison me to death."

Despite being rightfully indignant over his plight, Mr. Rutterman seems to have sustained his injuries a year too late for any legal recourse, as a June 2006 edict by the FDA states that the organization's slapdash, perfunctory approval of the drugs produced by the companies they often used to work for preempts product liability lawsuits from being filed by people like him.

"Like the website at CumAlot.com says, I believe that it's every man's right to blow a big load, but I also believe that it's the right of every American man, woman and child to be protected from corporations who, in the name of profit, are tossing their loads on our legs and calling it rain."