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Ask Uncle Newt

Newt Gingrich, an expert in all issues facing Black America, answers questions submitted from our African American readers:

Dear Uncle Newt,

My mother recently died suddenly without leaving a will, and my sister and I could use some guidance regarding how to begin the process of handling her estate. Who is eligible to do so, if there are rules regarding how her property is to be divided, and so forth. Could you help us?

Bereaved in Birmingham

Dear Bereaved,

First of all, if there is a dead body in your house it is important to remove it as soon as possible. I cannot emphasize this enough. You will likely be tempted to conceal your mother's corpse from the authorities as long as possible to avoid losing her welfare, but doing so presents a serious health hazard. You see Bereaved, when people die, their bodies begin a process of decomposition where they start to rot and release an awful stench if you don't bury them, so doing so should be your first priority.

Dear Uncle Newt,

I am a self-employed 32 year-old man who contracts two part-time associates and I've been considering my options for retirement plans. Any advice on which would be the best way to go?

Workin' It in Worcester

Dear "Workin' It",

Though anyone can use personal funds to start their own 401k or IRA account, those assets would be vulnerable to seizure should your drug dealing operation be busted by the police. Instead, for every $10 you earn selling crack, put $1 in a safe place – like in a book at your local library.

Dear Uncle Newt,

I'm having a little conflict with the space-time continuum I hope you can help me with. I have an interview for a really great job next week – only it's on the same day as my daughter's state spelling bee final! I've already had to re-schedule the interview once, and my wife says I shouldn't let such an opportunity pass me by. On the other hand, I do already have a good job in the biotech industry, and I'd really hate to miss one of my kids' big moments! What should I do?

Conflicted in Charlotte

Dear Ching Chang Charlie,

Wife? Daughter? Spelling bee? Nice try, but this column is for black people. Go ask Uncle Ho, because Uncle Newt wasn't born yesterday.

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