Christmas Savings Tips for Poor Fu*ks and Cheap Bast*rds

Too poor to enjoy the Holidays like normal people? The following are tips that will help you rock around the Christmas tree without racking up a ton of debt:

• Give your kids Del Taco gift cards for the Del Taco you were going to feed them anyway.

• An alternative to the NoradSanta.org that "tracks" Santa on his journey around the world, PoradSanta.com grants families facing financial challenges each holiday season some breathing room by reporting that Santa's sleigh was shot down by Russian air defense systems over the Kamchatka Peninsula.

• Instead of shelling out seventy-five bucks or more, most Christmas tree places don't mind if you sweep up some of their fallen branches and needles to build your own!

• Choose a cheaper turkey this year. Larger birds often kill pigeons and drop their carcasses on the roofs of buildings, where they can be harvested for free.

• More expensive than free, dead pigeon, but still turkey, Fancy Feast offers a canned version for just around 30 cents per ounce.

• Instead of expensive virtual reality goggles, give your kids a t-shirt to wrap around their heads. Tell them it's called using your imagination, and has been good enough for everyone else for the last 100,000 years.

• Make your own gift cards! After all, it's the thought that counts.

• Do your shopping at the Dollar Tree this year. For twenty dollars, your kid will be happy for days with a twin-pack of Bic lighters, a case of Sour Patch Kids and a bottle of nail polish remover.

• Packages snatched from your neighbors' porches are like boxes of chocolate. You don't know what you're going to get, so take a bunch.

• Some of your grinchier neighbors might leave boxes filled with used diapers or pet feces on their porch to "teach you a lesson". Teach them a lesson by continuing to vote MAGA.

• Did you know that perfume is nothing more than oils extracted from natural ingredients like fruit and plants mixed with alcohol? Instead of tossing all those apple cores, banana peels and vegetable scraps into the compost heap, let them soak in a tub of vodka for a few weeks, strain, and save!

• Teach your kids the invaluable lesson that doing a good deed for another is the best gift they can give themselves. For example, them selling their blood to buy you a handle of Beam.