Rabies on the Rise as More Dog Owners Choosing to Not Turn Pet Gay

With more humans projecting their own vaccine hesitancy onto their pets, cases of rabies and other preventable diseases have started to rise. But can a vaccine really make your dog gay?

Scientists say no, and for the love of God to please, please, please get your pets their shots, but what do they know? Most don't even acknowledge that a dog can be homosexual despite the abundance of anecdotal evidence that suggests otherwise.

"My dog Rocky was straight as an arrow before I got him his shots. He'd watch college football and drink Coors Light straight from the can," one dog owner said. "Now all Rocky cares to watch is Virgin River, which I only watch because my wife does, who I still bang on the regular,"

Still, authorities claim that the risk rabies poses to not only dogs but their owners far outweighs the threat of a dog becoming homosexual.

"There is no death more horrible, more painful than one caused by rabies," veterinarian Jeremy Bauer attested. "The virus travels up the nerves to the brain, where it transforms the host into a psychotic, frothing beast bent on spreading the contagion to others before succumbing to cardio-respiratory arrest."

Many remain unconvinced, however.

"I don't know. Used to be before his shots I'd have use peanut butter to get my Jack Russell to lick my balls," one skeptic weighed in. "Now he does it sans the Peter Pan."