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Something Fishy about Tanzanian Election

Candidate for President: Amani Sumaye - Chama cha Mapinduzi (CCM) Party

As Tanzania’s executive representative to the World Bank I’ve always promoted what is best for my native country and its people.  Indeed, the decisions I’ve consented to have created jobs in glorious new coal mines and soda bottling facilities across the nation, and have enhanced the health and prosperity of a once destitute land.  But despite all of my exemplary achievements in the service to my countrymen, I feel that I can do more; and that is why I stand before you as a candidate for president of our proud nation.  As president, I will further our resurrection by working hand in hand with the World Bank and International Monetary Fund, not hesitating to implement any and all of their recommendations and edicts for reform or measures of austerity.  For example, I will award the American company Apex a no-bid contract to build a hydroelectric damn on the Rungwa River to provide us energy at prices they deem fair.  I will also help keep the Coca-Cola plant in Tabora remain viable by publicly subsidizing the cleanup of the wetlands that surround it which have become polluted by their life-giving production operations.  In conclusion, I am eager and ready to serve as president of Tanzania and look forward to a vigorous and fair contest with my opponent.  Thank You.

Candidate for President: Ali Zanu – MAKIM Party

As the son of a wealthy prostitute smuggler originally from Uganda, I was a soccer referee for several years until I was banned for corruption after calling an undeserved penalty against Tanzania during a 1988 qualification match with Cameroon that cost this country its first ever entry into the World Cup.  Although I don’t know much about politics and only want to be president for the high salary and kick-backs, I think it would be a good idea to put a big chicken or a pig on our country’s flag to more accurately reflect the cowardly and boorish nature of its inhabitants.  I also think we should change our name to Buzzania since there are so many flies buzzing around all the filthy shit piling up in our streets.  Also, if I’m elected president I will legalize bestiality because I enjoy having sex with horses and goats, and I will not cooperate with the World Bank and IMF because I’m stupid.  So vote for me or go to hell for all I care.

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