Vacation Tips for Assholes

The vacation season is upon us, but before heading out on your next adventure, consider these helpful travel tips to ensure your trip is fun, safe and affordable.

• Even if it's just a handful of words, people in foreign countries appreciate when you make an effort to speak their language. Do them the courtesy of learning a few phrases, such as, "Hurry up!" and, "What's that smell?" 

• Rev up the action for teens and tweens. Take them on a zip-lining or white water rafting excursion where they'll still somehow find a way to spend the whole time staring at their cell phones until you totally lose it and start choking them in front of a group of horrified strangers.

• Consider visiting India if you want to experience an exotic mélange of culture, aroma and shitting your ass for three solid weeks.

• For families visiting Orlando on a budget, take the kids to Disney World, but not inside the park. This will save you approximately eight thousand dollars.

• When visiting the Great Pyramids in Egypt, make sure you've signed your passport and filled out the emergency information page so the US Embassy will know where to ship your remains.

• For those seeking a permanent holiday from their spouse, consider an adventure vacation where you can explore exotic, remote locations and shove them off a cliff.

• The Caribbean should especially be avoided between the months of June and October. Even if the kidnappers don't get a hold of you and chop off your head, some giant tropical storm is sure to pick you up and run you face-first through a palm tree.

• Hotel and restaurant staff in foreign countries are usually desperately poor and will steal from you. Counter this by never tipping.

• Don't feel like being violently molested by TSA agents this year? Take a road trip! The first couple of hours are always fun – make the remaining five hundred less miserable with games, like 'count the stranded motorists', or 'who can take the biggest shit in a plastic bag'.

• When travelling in Australia, think about how you could have gone one-hundredth the distance and had ten times the fun going to Hawaii instead.