Dealing with Death - Tips for Sociopaths

It's that time of year again, when people start dropping like flies. Here are a few tips to help you deal with people who are dying:

• Don't be afraid to lie to someone who is dying. Tell them there's a heaven and all that junk.

• Like birth, death is often pretty messy, so don't let the person whose doing the dying do so on your good sheets or your clean carpet. If possible, take them outside.

• There is always a two in seven chance that your dying relative will die on a weekend, so make sure you have a good excuse ready - the best and really only good one being: "I am also dying".

• Dying people tend to dwell on the past – for instance by telling the same stories about when they were in some war or concentration camp you've heard a hundred times. Let them. Your tears of boredom might be mistaken for sincere feeling.

• If you're causing the death in question, be sure to educate yourself on all the most current forensics technology being utilized by state and federal law enforcement before proceeding.

• Deathbeds are often great places to score big bargains. Can you say 50 bucks for a 50 inch flat screen TV? That's like a buck an inch.

• Although annoying, kids have incredible imaginations. To lessen the former, take advantage of the latter when a close relative has died by inviting them to pretend nothing has happened.

• Help children cope with the death of a grandparent or other close relative by reminding them of times grandpa was mean to them.

• After someone has died they start to stink even worse than before pretty quick, so don't waste any time getting their body in the ground or burning them up.

• If a loved one was killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, don't tell your child they died protecting their freedom. Kids aren't that dumb.

• If you're the one who is dying, don't worry. There's a heaven in which you'll be reunited with all your loved ones and live on in happiness for all eternity.