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Highly Useless Courtroom Tips

• Dress for court. A suit and tie conveys respect for the judge and jury, which can only help your case if you’re pleading innocent to criminal charges. If you're pleading insanity, wearing a suit you drew on your skin with lipstick or nothing but a batting helmet and snorkeling fins is more appropriate.

• Bring a book to read as you might have a long wait before your case is heard, tried, and you are taken back to your cell.

• Though speaking or shouting out during a prosecution witness's testimony could put you in contempt of court, you may still effectively cast doubt on the veracity of their statements by directing exasperated facial expressions at the jury, or by making a circle with your thumb and fingers and rocking your hand up and down in a "jerk off" motion.

• Before your trial is to begin, take some time to find out what your jurors' likes and dislikes are – particularly whether or not they enjoy being filled with hot lead, and discreetly let it be known to each of them that it's within your power to provide such a service.

• It is never a good idea to be black while in court. If you are a black person, be sure to wear pants, a long sleeve shirt or jacket, gloves, and a sack over your head at all times while standing trial.

• Your children can be your most valuable asset during a divorce proceeding. For the ten bucks you spend on McDonalds after the hearings, you can save thousands in alimony by coaching them to recount mommy’s frequent visits from "Uncle Jeff".

• If you're a chick, you can win almost any case merely by dressing sexy and speaking in lilting tones that convey your inability to comprehend the charges against you or the process by which they are being heard. The more agape the judge’s mouth and the louder the thumping from beneath his desk, the better you’re doing.

• Appearing at your trial dressed in a black robe and rendering loud, pompous rulings on attorney objections would be pretty awesome.

• It is permissible to lie on the stand as long as you say, "Just kidding," and the court finds your false statement to be funny.

• Although it is a very bad idea to lie while on the stand, it is even worse to confess to the crime(s) you're on trial for. So, if the prosecuting attorney should ask you if you killed all those people, try to change the topic. If that doesn't work, at least resort to a less incriminating, "Maybe."

• Prepare a meticulously composed outline of your argument so that you touch all your bases in a clear, concise manner during your hearing. Or just wing it. Whatever.

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