Family Down to Their Last Three Pallets of Toilet Paper

As hoarding and supply chain worries continue to make reliable access to toilet paper Americans' top concern during the Coronavirus pandemic, the Porter family of Powder Springs, Georgia are one of many already reporting a shortage of the most essential product.

Down to their last three pallets-worth as of Sunday, the family's dwindling stockpile of TP is adding significant stress to an already nervous situation, patriarch Kevin remarked.

"It's really frightening. Honestly, I don't even want to do the math," Porter said before doing the math.

"There are 24 rolls to a package and twelve packages to a pallet. That's 864 rolls," he calculated. "What the hell are we going to do?!"

Extrapolating from their rate of use, Porter projects that his family of four could run out of toilet paper by as early as January 2023.

"And then what? At some point we'll have to raid the neighbors' house. It's survival of the fittest now. I've got two pistols, a rifle and a machete. I'll arm the wife and kids, go over there and take what's ours," he plotted.

"Otherwise they'll be coming for us. Mark my words," Porter rationalized. "They'll take all our toilet paper and leave us to crap in bags like animals. Well, not if I can help it."

As of press time, having been warned of the Porters' plot against them, the elderly couple next door has left an 8-pack of Charmin on their front porch along with a note begging their neighbors not to kill them.