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First Coronavirus Vaccine Fails to Cause Autism

As scientists around the world rush to try to engineer a vaccine that can halt COVID-19 in its tracks, hope for the first such prophylactic came to a disappointing halt yesterday when it was shown to not cause autism in children.

The trial, which initially raised hopes after the vaccine was demonstrated to generate a strong immune response to the Coronavirus in adults, was ultimately scrapped after it failed to trigger an autistic response in a group of subjects aged 2-6.

"It's too bad, because the vaccine looked to hold real promise for stopping COVID-19," remarked Dr. Michael Beckman, the project's leader. "Unfortunately, its inability to activate genes necessary to produce autism in children means that it's back to the drawing board for us."

Despite the setback, Beckman and his colleagues remain hopeful that they can produce a vaccine that will protect humans from COVID-19 while also inducing a development disorder in kids that disrupts their ability to interact socially by causing them to obsess over trivial things.

"We will beat this. Mark my words," Beckman said. "This trial might have ended unsuccessfully, but it was also a learning experience. For instance, next time we'll probably start with the causing autism part and then worry about the Coronavirus."

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