White House Coronavirus Report: Trump's Advice to Wash Hands Saves Millions

A new report released by the White House today credits the leadership and expertise of President Trump in the midst of the ongoing Coronavirus crisis for stemming a greater outbreak and saving millions of lives.

The report, which according to Trump was authored by "many people who know a lot about these things", pointed specifically to the President's advice that people should wash their hands and cover their mouths when they sneeze as being particularly crucial towards preempting a nationwide catastrophe.

"Frankly, when this thing first started, nobody knew what to do. Nobody's ever seen anything like this. Everyone was all just standing around with their fingers up their noses going, 'dum dee-dum dum. I don't know what to do'," Trump spoke today during a press conference this morning.

"Everyone but me, that is, to be honest. I said, 'Hey, get your finger out of your nose. And wash your hands. That's how you stop diseases from spreading."

Not limited to just personal hygiene, the President's life saving wisdom regarding inanimate objects has also contributed to the slowing of the deadly Covid-19 virus, the report indicated.

"Frankly, I was the first to warn people to stop licking their phones," Trump shared. "That's not real ice cream, I said. Stop it or you'll get Corollavirus."

The report also estimated that if Obama was still President, everyone would be dead by now.