Thousands Likely to Die Over New Stanley Cups Straw Release, Officials Predict

A new straw designed to function with Stanley Cups will likely lead to the deaths of thousands, officials around the country are projecting.

The straw, a steel tube capable of syphoning liquid, is already creating dangerous levels of excitement online as anxious consumers restlessly await its release next Thursday.

Chicago Superintendent of Police Larry Snow, who witnessed the aftermath of a Stanley-related stampede that left 17 dead at the Lakeshore Mall in January, explained the hazards surrounding the company's latest product release.

"Stanley Cups don't only hold beverages, their insulated construction maintains their original temperature, AND they're shaped to fit standard car cup holders," he described. "Now we have a new straw that not only conveys these liquids to its owners' mouths, but are angled at their ends such that it's user can drink from them without having to bend their heads."

"It's a recipe for disaster," added Snow, who went on to warn that the straws could also be used as a weapon.

"Those who aren't beaten to death or trampled in the initial stampede could use the straw itself to stab those attempting to wrestle it away from them," he said.