Inmates Wanted: New Private Prison Announces 3,000 Openings

A press release issued by Big House Enterprises yesterday announced the private prison company is looking to take on 3,000 men to serve as inmates at its newest facility in Franklin, Tennessee, due to open this Summer.

According to the release, the positions will offer generous compensation packages that include fully subsidized housing, food, health benefits and access to recreational facilities – a godsend for an area suffering a lack of job opportunities and affordable housing since the recent economic downturn.

BHE Vice President of Operations Dr. Reinhard Shulz said all candidates must be convicted of a class H felony or higher by August 1st to guarantee eligibility.

"The ideal candidate will be one willing to make a long-term commitment to the prison, for example by committing a murder or rape," said Shulz.

Local police reports suggest a strong initial turnout for the open positions, as Lenny's Liquor on Central Avenue has alone been robbed eight times over the past 24 hours, including once by Lenny himself.

"The hell with that store," said Lenny, who's also looking at an arson charge for setting his former business on fire.

Stories like Lenny's highlight another benefit offered by the new openings – the opportunity to commit a serious crime of one's choice prior to their start date at the prison.

"I'm looking at fifteen to twenty years for this, which I think is a good start," remarked Ronald Noll of Shelbyville, who ran over his neighbor with a car, "I figure I can always stay on longer with bad behavior."

Even with the country in an economic slump, BHE Chairman Thomas Hummler said they had no problem investing in the United States. 

"The private prison sector will continue to grow significantly," Hummler said. "The USA is on the right track here. If we didn't believe that, we wouldn't have made such a major investment in our new camp."