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Obama to Conduct Nationwide Performance Reviews, Cut 50 Million Americans

Barack Obama plans to cut 50 million Americans from the nation's current population by 2014, a statement released by his administration indicated today.

Citing Obama's enthusiasm for the unprecedented scrutiny his presidency has received as inspiration, the White House announced that it will be conducting performance reviews of individual Americans to determine who stays, and who goes.

"Constant, stringent evaluation of not only the nation's leadership, but its citizenry is conducive to democracy and the revitalization of the economy," remarked Obama, whose own performance as president so far earned a C+ from voters participating in a CNN.com online poll.

"We're carrying a lot of dead weight here," added Obama, "Evidently a lot of Americans have started to take their citizenship for granted."

Lamenting the forced deportation of 50 million Americans as "somewhat regrettable", Obama nevertheless calls the number "just a starting point".

"The days when we had the luxury to support lollygaggers, loafers, depressives, self-indulgent wanna-bes, shut-ins, and every other sort of shiftless narcissist are over," he argued.

"Not to mention the obese. There are too many fat people walking around. It's a disgrace. If you can't lose the weight, go be fat in some other country," he added.

Obama proceeded to recount details of the country's first citizen performance review - of Aaron Aaronson of Boston, Massachusetts, which the President conducted himself last Friday.

"At the age of 31, Mr. Aaronson is employed at a 'smoke shop' – a retail store that sells water pipes and other paraphernalia associated with the underground marijuana culture – and aspires to be a stand up comedian," Obama reported, "I did not find Mr. Aaronson's material at all humorous and gave him one month to enroll himself in a vocational training program and learn something useful before he's out."

Responding to the question of where those whose performance as Americans is deemed inadequate to retain their citizenship should go, Obama quipped: "I don't care where they go, but they're not staying here."
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