Let the Death Panels Commence!
By:White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel

Good morning ladies, gentlemen. As you all have likely accurately predicted, the passing of President Obama's health care reform bill has given us the green light to initiate Special Project Final Solution (though, may I add parenthetically that I still think we need to revise this title – Bob, Janet perhaps we could meet on this after tomorrow afternoon's cabinet meeting? Lauretta, please take a note of this).  

Yes people, providence has delivered us to the threshold of our collective destiny: to revitalize this once great nation by shaking her free of the parasites that sap so much of her vitality – the chronically diseased, aged, invalid throngs whose prolonged existence on this planet serves only to deplete precious resources.

Director Orszag, I know you are particularly giddy about this opportunity. If memory serves, you shared a story during our last meeting about your mother, whose stubborn insistence on drawing breath well into her 90s cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars in nursing care and wasted personal time. Good for you. Good for all of us.

But now, business. I want it to be raining ashes by Memorial Day, so let's get to it.  

First, the death panels. Secretary Sebelius, this will be a massive undertaking requiring coordinated Health and Human Services efforts throughout the 50 states to get SPFS off the ground and keep it running smoothly. May I suggest that recently turned-over private health care claims representatives be recruited as contractors to serve on these panels – their intolerance for compassion and experience preempting care for the seriously ill and dying will serve us well. Remember Kathleen, President Obama wants a 90% liquidation rate, which means we can't tolerate bleeding hearts who count doing daily word puzzles and attending grandkids' sporting events as valid reasons to live.

Next are the camps. Secretary Donovan, I'm pleased to hear of your progress towards preparing the decommissioned industrial sites we've procured around the country for their future internees. The faster we can get these cancer patients and Jerry's kids shoveling toxic waste and stitching Snuggies, the better.

Transportation issues are of course being managed by Secretary LaHood, who has informed me that the logistical concerns brought up by the Federal Railroad Administration that were discussed in last month's project development meeting are being ironed out, and that a sufficient number of cattle cars can be requisitioned to handle even our most optimistic of volume projections.

That is all for now. Thank you for your hard work so far, and all that I'm certain your invigorated inspiration is sure to promote in the coming months.