US Government Introduces "No-Fuck List"

The US government announced today the creation of a "No-Fuck List" designed to prevent people whose potential to reproduce is deemed a threat to the future well-being of the country.

Touted as a significant advance in counter-shitheadery, the list reportedly contains the names of over 12 million Americans with whom it will become a federal offense to have sexual intercourse with as of August 1st.

Despite its staggering size, Department of Homeland Security Assistant Deputy Secretary Richard Harlan indicates that stringent criteria were applied in developing the No-Fuck List, in order to only limit the procreation of the population's most loathsome individuals.

"Rest assured, if you don't eat a six-month old gorilla's weight in Doritos and meat while living vicariously through video game characters on your couch or routinely park down the middle of two parking spots to keep people away from your big flaming car nobody gives a shit about, you should be free to fuck," Harlan said.

Added Harlan: "To clarify, the objective of this list is to preempt the further propagation of the worst of the worst – for instance, people who stop twenty feet before the next car at a red light, then inch forward a foot at a time every few seconds until the signal changes, or those who say the word 'like' ten thousand times a day without coming within a country mile of a simile."

Addressing concerns that the new No-Fuck List will lead to profiling, the government confirmed that this is true.

"If you have big, floppy man-tits and wear sports jerseys, you will be on the list," DHS spokeswoman Natalie Weeks said. "Also, anyone who watches Game of Thrones."

Weeks nonetheless pointed out that people who have been placed on the No-Fuck List are not without recourse.

"An individual who has been put on the list can have his fucking privileges reinstated," Weeks noted. "That is, assuming the individual can somehow pull their head out of their ass and get their shit together."