Neil Young Put on Life Support after Musicians Declared Endangered Species

Dozens of iconic musicians in the US, Britain, and other countries around the world were put into protective custody today after being designated an endangered species by the International Union for the Preservation of Nature.

"It is an unpleasant measure, but sadly, it must be done," IUPN spokesman Peter Whittaker, who personally oversaw the capture and subsequent confinement of Phil Collins, Roger Waters, and each of the surviving members of Spandau Ballet, lamented. "We have just lost so many recently, and there are so few to replace them."

With scarce new acts capable of writing songs anyone will ever want to listen to for more than a few months on the current music scene, the recent passing of Prince, David Bowie, George Michael, Tom Petty, Leonard Cohen, Phife Dawg, Glenn Frey and Chris Cornell, among others, also moved the American Cultural Preservation Society to quarantine the last two Beastie Boys and put Neil Young on life support despite the rocker not currently suffering from any diagnosable health condition.

"It's for our own good," ACPS Suprvisor Martin Bettancourt remarked. "It's for all of our own good."

As of press time, Thurston Moore, John Fogerty, Chrissie Hynde and The Red Hot Chili Peppers had all been forcibly removed from current tours to be isolated for the purposes of study and breeding.

"Unfortunately Chrissie, Kim Gordon and both ladies from the B-52s are no longer fertile," Bettancourt remarked. "However, we have initiated an effort to cross Ian MacKaye with the girl from The Arcade Fire, which should be interesting."

Meanwhile, David Matthews and the Counting Crows have all been hunted down and killed.