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Neil Young Put on Life Support after Musicians Declared Endangered Species

Dozens of iconic artists have been put into protective custody in the US, Britain, and other countries around the world after musicians were designated an endangered species yesterday.

"It is an unpleasant measure, but sadly, it must be done," International Union for the Preservation of Nature soikesman Peter Whittaker, who personally oversaw the capture of Phil Collins, Roger Waters, Joy Division's Peter Hook and the surviving members of Spandau Ballet for conservation at a site that will soon serve as England's first musician themed zoo in Liverpool, lamented. "We have just lost so many recently, and there are so few to replace them."

The recent passing of Prince, David Bowie, George Michael, Leonard Cohen, Phife Dawg, Glenn Frey and Chris Cornell, among others, with scarce new acts capable of writing songs anyone will ever listen to for more than a few months before forgetting completely was also behind the decision by the American Cultural Preservation Society to quarantine the last two Beastie Boys and put Neil Young on life support despite the rocker not currently suffering from any diagnosable health condition.

"It's for our own good," ACPS Suprvisor Martin Bettancourt said.

In the US, Thurston Moore, John Fogerty, Chrissie Hynde and The Red Hot Chili Peppers amongst others have all been forcibly removed from current tours to be isolated for the purposes of study and breeding.

"Unfortunately Chrissie, Kim Gordon and both ladies from the B-52s are no longer fertile," Bettancourt remarked. "However, we have initiated an effort to cross Tom Petty with the girl from The Arcade Fire, which should be interesting."

Meanwhile, David Matthews and all of the Counting Crows have been hunted down and killed.

 
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