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New Bread and Water Eatery Opens to Big Crowds in Moscow

Quickly filling the void left by Western restaurant chains who have ceased operations in the wake of Russia's invasion of Ukraine, a new Moscow eatery has begun drawing crowds reminiscent of the arrival of McDonalds in 1990.

Featuring a back-to-basics menu of bread and water, the hot new lunch spot (translated 'Food Distribution Center' from Cyrillic) is reportedly serving thousands of Muscovites every day despite only being open for a single hour at noon.

"People show up hours before the doors open, hoping, praying to receive this bread," one patron described. "Men fight other men for a loaf. They fight women. Old women and children and the disabled all fight one another. It is crazy."

Indeed, by 7 a.m. this morning a long line of eager patrons had already wrapped itself around a neighboring Burger King, which refuses to leave.

"It is just so wonderful bread. Soft on the outside and hard on the inside with just the right amount of mold," Anna Danilova of Leningradsky Prospekt said on condition of non-anonymity. "Most thanks to President Putin for allowing us such a delicious sustenance!"

As of press time, it was reported that soldiers had been required to disperse today's crowd outside of Food Distribution Center after it closed fifty minutes early.

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