Vladimir Putin's Wife Announces Anti-Bullying Campaign

Vladimir Putin's wife announced today that she is launching a new campaign to combat bullying throughout Russia.

In a public appearance so rare that many did not know that she existed, Mrs. Putin gave a press conference calling for Russian children to get along, "or else".

"You must find a better way to talk to each other, to disagree with each other, to respect each other," Mrs. Putin addressed her nation's youth. "Or you will be crushed."

Making no allusion to the irony of her announcement coinciding with her husband's brutal invasion of Ukraine, Mrs. Putin made it clear that youngsters found in violation of the state's new policy will be dealt with harshly.

"Children who are generally mean to others will face minimum 5-year prison term. Children who make others cry will face minimum 15-year prison term," she spoke grimly, without emotion. "And those who make fun of another girl's hair will be shot."

Spinning imperiously from the lectern, Mrs. Putin slapped a woman offering her a hand down a short staircase before disappearing back inside the Grand Kremlin Palace.