Minutemen Using Illegal Aliens To Help Patrol US-Mexico Border?

Citing an insufficient amount of manpower to faithfully monitor the vast amount of territory along the United States’ border with Mexico for the unsanctioned crossings of undocumented migrants, the anti-illegal immigration vigilante group known as ‘The Minutemen’ has begun enlisting the paid help of Latino workers, many of who are likely undocumented migrants themselves.

“Unfortunately the requirements of maintaining a vigilant watch over our country’s porous border with Mexico have exceeded what our volunteers can handle, so we’ve been forced to resort to supplementing our ranks with temporary workers recruited from local spots where individuals willing to work for what we can afford to pay congregate,” commented Arizona Minuteman spokesman Russ Mangrove, “That isn’t to say they are illegal aliens, however. We don’t know for certain because we don’t check. The important thing is that we stop more illegals from entering the country and taking our jobs.”

It is estimated that over two hundred migrant workers are hired by the Minutemen each week, for which those lucky enough to be chosen are invariably grateful.

“It is good work,” spoke Eduardo Ruiz, an undocumented migrant from Guatemala, “I sit in a chair and looking through the glasses at birds and drinking Jarritos todo el dia. Sometimes some amigos walk by and I let them talk on the radio to the gringos saying, ‘Tu madre tiene un bigote!* No Mexicanos here! Bueno usted mencas cabronas!† Diez y cuatro senor!’ It is funny. Then I sleep until their truck and loud mierda musica is waking me up and I stand up like I’m looking very hard and say to them, ‘Besa mi culo, lambiaso!’‡ then they give me twenty dollars and I say, ‘Gracias. Un burro sabe mas que tu!’”±

Somewhat ironically, a principal reason for the Minutemen’s need to hire extra help stems from elements intrinsic to globalization which have contributed to the impoverishment of working class people worldwide, including some Minutemen themselves, forcing individuals to work longer for less and in some cases leave their homeland in an attempt to obtain a wage sufficient to support themselves and their family.

Said former Minuteman Chuck Tooley, “I used to be able to volunteer with the Minutemen Saturdays and Sundays, but then my company cut my wage by a third to ‘help promote growth’ and my wife’s job was outsourced. Now I gotta work all weekend scooping ice-cream down at the Rite-Aid just to help get by until Wanda finds something else.”

Meanwhile, many scholars and economists have called into question the philosophy of the Minutemen.

Remarked UCLA Economics professor James Warnich, “Sure, it would make more sense for these vigilantes, if they were so concerned with preserving these fruit picking and Wal-Mart floor mopping jobs for Americans to perhaps organize and force those employers to maybe provide an attractive enough wage so that a non-migrant might actually want it in the first place instead of going after the immigrants themselves whose labor and tax contributions are indispensable to this country as it is, but I suppose that would be a lot less fun than going around playing army hero.”

* - “Your mother has a moustache”, † -“Okay you retarded bitches”, ‡ - “Lick my ass, asslicker”, ± - “Thanks. A donkey knows more than you.”