Loser Peyton Manning Inks Antidepressant Endorsement Deal

Peyton Manning has signed a contract with Pfizer to endorse Zoloft, Manning's agent Michael Fontenot announced at a press conference this morning in New York.

Rumored to be worth $2 million, news of the Indianapolis Colts quarterback's latest multi-million marketing contract was revealed 3 days after his team's crushing defeat to the New Orleans Saints in Super Bowl XLIV, and less than 24 hours after Fontenot announced Manning had agreed to pitch Kleenex tissues and Playtex tampons.

Andrew Douglas, Manning's business partner and CEO of Adeno Marketing, called the pairing of Manning and Pfizer a "perfect fit."

"If there's anybody who knows the pain of feeling like a worthless loser, its Peyton Manning," said Douglas, "Peyton knows the crippling weight of knowing you've let everybody down, but then again you'd never know it – thanks to Zoloft."

According to an inside source with Pfizer, Manning has already filmed his first Zoloft commercial. In the ad, a bathrobe-clad Manning is seen staring despondently through a rain soaked window reflecting a replay of him throwing a pass directly into the arms of Tracy Porter during the waning moments of Sunday's Super Bowl.

"Stupid. I'm so stupid," Manning can be heard castigating himself in the spot as Porter points to the crowd in celebration on his way to scoring the touchdown that would seal the Colts' defeat.

Despite Manning's failure on the field and unattractive appearance, Douglas contends, his client is still a winner – a perspective that is reinforced by the selective serotonin reuptake inhibiting action of Zoloft.

"Regardless of what happens between the commercial breaks, Peyton is a champion in the field of product marketing. Not like that sap Drew Brees, spending all his free time doing charity work," said Douglas.