Man's Surprises to His Wife Always His Penis

Dan Sparks of Falls Church, Virginia is full of surprises. Unfortunately, as far as his wife of fifty-one years is concerned, they always involve his penis.

"It was amusing, even a little bit sexy in a silly sort of way the first time when we were in our twenties," remarked Helen Sparks. "But after the hundredth time, it's no longer surprising. It's not funny, and it's certainly not sexy. It's enough already."

Sparks, a self-proclaimed master of nuance at his chosen art form, has employed a myriad of means to surprise his wife with his penis, including gift boxes, popcorn containers, jewelry boxes, newspapers, magazines, door knob holes and potato chip bags.

"I swear that man's spent half his life sitting around thinking of what he can stick his ding-dong through next to get a rise out of me," Helen reflected. "The last time I remember him surprising me with something other than his penis was in 1981 when he bought me a poster of my favorite painting - Edvard Munch's "The Scream", but within a week he'd drilled a hole in the wall behind where it was hung and stuck his you-know-what through the man's mouth while I was doing the housecleaning."

Mrs. Sparks added: "I was so mad I swatted it with a magazine."

Although Mrs. Sparks says her husband has many endearing traits that compensate for his penchant for using his genitalia as a tool of juvenile mischief, she is troubled by the fact that, at 78, Dan's encroaching senility has induced him to begin sharing his illicit surprises with others outside the home.

"We've had a few incidents. A few close calls," Helen recounted. "There was one at a local donut shop. I don't really want to talk about it, but thankfully people were pretty understanding."

Asked about his habit, Dan denied everything, claiming he'd never do something so childish.

He then added, chuckling, "Now open your mouth, close your eyes, and I'll give you a big surprise."