Dozens of Military Scientists Given LSD to Facilitate Weapons Research Don't Come Back

A recent undertaking by the United States Defense Department backfired when dozens of leading military scientists left their jobs after being administered the psychedelic compound LSD and psilocybin (the psychoactive alkaloid found in "magic" mushrooms) over the past month.

Hoping to promote the advancement of several high tech weapons projects with the mind expanding drugs, the military has instead lost over forty highly talented scientists from laboratories at Los Alamos, Livermore and Fairbanks, Alaska after the men and women simply left the facilities and never returned.

Chan Wu Huang, a former geophysicist who worked for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) from 1996 until last week, cites a spiritual epiphany for his decision to change his name to Xibalba and leave the world of weapons development for that of interpretive dance.

"After I ate the mushrooms they gave me, I travelled through a world of dazzling light, where each photon was the soul of a man, woman or child, and all were different but equally beautiful in their own way... and they asked me without speaking, how could you devote your life to killing? And I became transformed into Xibalba, an emissary who transmits his message of love not through the constrained mode of verbal language, but through the limitless form of dance."

Oren Lachman, who worked as a senior scientist at the nuclear weapons laboratory in Livermore, California for seventeen years, echoed Xibalba's sentiment from the branch of the cedar tree he's been perched in since taking LSD last Friday.

"Each individual on Earth has a soul, and every soul is nothing less than a fragment of the universal human consciousness experiencing itself through billions of different eyes, so like, dropping a bomb on someone else is like dropping a bomb on yourself, you know?" Lachman expounded, his arms wrapped around the trunk of the tree, "I say instead of bombs, we drop sandwiches on hungry people instead. Only they should be veggie sandwiches on soft bread so they don't hurt in case they land on someone's head."

The Defense Department, which has officially denied the project ever occurred, did acknowledge yesterday that two scientists missing from a DARPA funded lab at MIT since Monday had been accounted for when Alexander Leach, 52, was discovered dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in a Cambridge park and Pamela Sandstrom was spotted Wednesday morning playing a didgeridoo outside a Boston subway station.