Tips for Not Dropping Dead of Heatstroke Like a Complete Idiot this Summer

Summer is upon us, and that means hot weather. Heat can foster fun activities, like getting drunk and picking a fight at the Wal-Mart, but too much heat can damage your vital organs, including your brain (God forbid). The following are some tips for keeping cool that even the most beer-soaked of apes should be able to follow:

• Did you know that alcohol actually dehydrates you even though it's liquid? Mix your vodka into at least two parts Gatorade to keep hydrated while you're out shooting crap

• Volunteer to spread the word and mission of Jesus to the penguins in Antarctica, where its winter this time of year for some reason

• Employ a harem of Japanese courtesans to keep you well-fanned and stimulated mind, body and soul

• Some people might say going to the movies to watch such summertime faire as Bad Boys 4, Mad Max 7 or X-Men 112 is preferable to heatstroke, but they're probably wrong. Try spending that same three hours pretending to give a shit about watercolors of old ladies hanging their laundry at some local air-conditioned art galleries

• Move to Florida where they recently passed a law banning the concept of climate change

• In most cases, your hair is what's making you hot. Shave your entire body, and if you still feel too warm, peel off your skin

• Waterparks are a great place to cool off. Bring a gun for when they close and try to make you leave

• Turn the heat up. They say that people who have frozen to death are usually found naked as they actually start to feel hot before they die, so the inverse is also likely true

• Keep your breath fresh and your home wintry and cool with a steady mouthful of Ice Breakers mints

• Continuously anoint the entirety of your body with a layer of Icy Hot balm

• Move all your clothes from your closet to the freezer and continuously rotate them on your body

• Tape aluminum foil to your windows. Blocking the mind control radio waves employed by the CIA will significantly reduce the heat generated by your brain