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Jesus Condemns Fantasy Football
Jesus issued a decree denouncing fantasy football today, effectively eliminating the hobby as a source of amusement for devout Christians.
Delivered vicariously through Pastor Jim Donovan of the First Church of the Nazarene in Roscoe, Illinois, the Lord was heard to have called fantasy football "an abomination".
"Men fantasizing about other men cannot be reconciled in the eyes of the Lord," He said, "Thou shalt not be tempted by frivolous, fruitless occupations, for they are the inventions of Satan."
The Lord's condemnation of fantasy football comes on the heels of a similar edict against padded bras, and adds to an extensive list of things Christ does not approve of, which includes but is not limited to most forms of dancing, gambling, lesbianism, hard liquor, soft liquor, beer, hardcore pornography, softcore pornography, the regulation of free markets, Baywatch, cigarettes, the Environmental Protection Agency, masturbation, two piece bathing suits, cross-dressing, "flaming hot" snack foods, clowns, marijuana, foreplay, midget tossing, roach coaches, jet-skis, tampons and lacrosse.
"Big shock – it's something fun, so He's against it," said Catholic and fantasy football enthusiast Doug Peterson of St. Paul, Minnesota, "I guess I'm just supposed to spend all my time that I'm not at work or in church staring at the wall."
Church officials confirmed that staring at a wall is not a sin, provided the wall in question contains no obscene or graven images.
"Yeah, fine. I'll quit," said Peterson, despite winning his first weeks match-up with a formidable roster that includes this year's #1 overall draft pick Chris Johnson and Tom Brady at quarterback, "I guess my reward in heaven will be worth it once I'm finally dead."
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