Jenna Bush Expecting Rapist’s Child – Family “Couldn’t be more Proud”

The Bush family issued a press release yesterday stating that their daughter Jenna is pregnant with the child of a Secret Service agent who raped her and is due in February. The announcement, which proceeded to emphasize that the disclosure of Jenna’s condition was not politically motivated in the least, but was made in their daughter’s best interest to preempt any defamatory speculation of pre-marital impropriety on her part as her condition becomes more evident, was incidentally printed on pink, stork adorned stationary to suggest the baby will be a girl.

“I just couldn’t be more happy or proud,” gushed grandmother-in-waiting Laura, “The creation of new life is truly the most precious gift God has to give us, even if it is delivered through the hands of an evil rapist.”

The First Lady’s words were in harmony with the spoken sentiments of other members of the family, including the President’s, whose unshakeable stance on the issue of abortion seems vindicated by his disposition on the matter. When asked by one especially brave reporter if the idea of encouraging his daughter to terminate the pregnancy ever entered his mind, Bush reportedly grew angry and stared the man down with an icy glare for several seconds before tersely responding, “You’re asking if the thought of murdering an unborn baby ever crossed my mind? Well sir, that’s a grave insult. There is nothing in the world that is more repugnant to me than the idea of killing an innocent child - no matter what the circumstances.”

Regarding the baby’s father, the Bushes have nobly adopted the imaginably difficult stance the tenets of their faith prescribes, so while at once condemning the man morally for his heinous actions, the family has expressed their desire that he “Do the right thing” by accepting their daughter’s hand in marriage.

President Bush declared, “On the one hand, I detest what this man has done, and I intend to see him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, but nevertheless, there’s a child’s life at stake, and children need to have fathers - even if they’re locked up in prison. Now, I know a lot of people who are less compassionate than me will disagree, especially those who felt that my stance on family values and protecting human life under any and all circumstances was flimsy and open to hypocriticalization, but the fact is my views on these issues are sincere, and my stance is unwavering.”

Despite the sentiments of the Bush family, it remains unresolved whether the man who stands accused of sexually assaulting their daughter will be released from prison before the child is an adult as he has earned the contempt of the court he is being tried in by declining a plea bargain and insisting on a court trial in which he be allowed to present DNA evidence to challenge the charge of a crime he obstinately denies committing.