Conducting Yourself around Your New Not-So-Legal Mexican Maid
By: Laura Bush

Hello again. Today I’d like to talk to you all about an issue that’s become increasingly poignant since my husband has generously decided to extend access to the liberty, freedom and prosperity of this great country to millions of not-so-legal Mexicans who are willing to come here to perform the essential duties of jobs that none of our more affluent citizens desire to do – such as work in manufacturing factories, slaughterhouses, construction, and, most relevant to this column, house cleaning.

Yes, since George adopted the policy of allowing willing employers to take advantage of not-so-legal Mexican workers willing to work for reduced wages, many over-burdened women across the country can finally afford some much needed assistance around the house.  However, this wonderful new age also necessitates that we learn the nuances of conducting ourselves properly with our new foreign help.

First, it is of critical importance to alleviate any nervousness your new not-so-legal Mexican maid might have about being arrested and deported.  Assure them that as long as they’re willing to work for whatever sub-minimum wage you’re paying them and do a good job that they’ll be safe and should have nothing to worry about. 

Next, always be cordial with your not-so-legal Mexican maid.  Even if you don’t speak the same verbal language, remember that body language is universal.  Lots of smiles, thumbs up and little silent applause gestures will promote their morale and increase the efficiency and quality of their work.  Also, taking the time to learn a few key Spanish phrases is highly recommended.  A few well placed Spanish commendations such as, ‘Mucho bueno, senora’, or ‘Usted realmente ganó sus diez dólares hoy’ (You really earned your ten dollars today) will help ensure a mutually gratifying relationship.

Finally, be fair but firm.  It's good to be nice to your not-so-legal Mexican maid, but you mustn’t be so lenient that you become a pushover.  If your maid begins to slack off or tries to join a union, don’t hesitate to fire her on the spot.  After all, it’s not like there’s some kind of not-so-legal Mexican maid shortage out there or anything, and thanks to my husband, that fact now applies even in states like North Dakota.

So follow these tips for conducting yourself with your not-so-legal Mexican maid and you’ll be well on your way to realizing the enjoyment that a harmonious, productive relationship with a low cost servant can bring.  I guarantee it from experience – just ask my former maid Lupe (who was from a part of Mexico called El Salvador if I remember correctly).  On her first day she was shaking like a leaf, but after I reassured her and even helped her and her children find a place to stay at the YWCA, she warmed right up.  One day she even brought me some homemade enchiladas that were almost as tasty as the ones they serve at El Torito.

Until next time, Adios and véale en la línea del desempleo tontos!