Republican Congressional Candidate French Kisses, Gropes Baby
Scandal
erupted on the streets of Puckettsville, Minnesotta yesterday when Robert
Bonafie, the Republican challenger in the race for the open seat in the
North Star State's tenth congressional district, publically molested an
infant during a campaign rally outside of a shopping center.
According to witnesses, after giving the thirteen month-old boy an innocuous peck on the cheek, Bonafie stepped well across the line by kissing the child on the lips with an open mouth, and was in the process of attempting to remove the baby's pants and diaper before his aghast mother could intervene and pull him to safety.
"He gave the baby a little kiss the way politicians do, smiled for the cameras, no big deal, but the next thing you know, the dude's sucking the kid's face and pulling at his diaper," reported one man who was at the scene.
"It was pretty sick. I like the guy's positions on a lot of issues, but there's something not quite right about trying to get to third base with a one year-old kid in front of four hundred people."
Bonafie's camp went on the defensive this morning by releasing a press statement claiming that, though his actions were inappropriate under any circumstances, Bonafie had had "a few drinks with lunch" prior to the rally, and was unaware that the child was a boy.
In addition, Bonafie's campaign chairwoman Priscilla Alexander said in an interview with a local news affilliate that the howling proclamations Bonafie made shortly after the incident that the infant "wanted it" had been taken out of context.
Meanwhile, in the aftermath of yet another sexual abuse scandal involving members of the GOP and underage boys, the question of whether there is a correlation between those who profess the most chaste, conservative of lifestyles with the most abhorrent of suppressed sexual proclivities has begun to arise yet again.
"Uh," one man on the street began sarcastically in response to this question, "Duh."